so.. i was standing at my booth, trying to sell some of those CDs i worked a long night putting together.. then she came.. i got a vibe .. from her smell, and her teeth.. i wanted to sell those CDs so bad, but she wasn’t easy.. i had to convince her why she had to buy them.. although she had one in her left hand; i knew she wanted.. it was the techno CD… it had a mix of old and new songs.. anyways.. she started talking.. with so much hand gesture.. and it was as though she was trying to prove something.. i didn’t know what it was..she talked and commented alot.. as she did i got involved with her choice of words.. and i don’t know why it felt as though i had to defend myself from them.. kept pushing them back, trying to prove a point..
she talked more..
and it was nice..
and then came back to get that cd..
and that was the last time i saw her.. or heard of her..
she sometimes crossed my mind.. i wondered where she was..
then i found her..
she gets me, if only she was a guy everything would be perfect.
Today I cleaned out my closet.. there were boxes of memories I’ve kept since 6th grade. Books, notes, song lyrics, band t-shirts, class pictures, scrap books, perfumes, contact books, diaries, business cards and lists of crushes, books I wanted, places I wanted to be in, and people that hurt me; physically and or emotionally. I don’t know why I’m so sentimental..
I kept some stuff, and put everything else in a box to throw away, or to dig, or burn..
I had a list of all of those boys that bullied me, when I read it I remembered how each one of them did it, the torture.
I used to wake up every morning to see this lovely boy who used to sit next to me in class.. I have to admit I never tried so hard.. my hair was a mess in a boy haircut, and I always looked unwelcoming and I was very very quiet; I was shy. I used to stare at his perfect face.. he looked like jimmy my imaginary friend. One day he asked me why I kept staring? And why I always asked him if he wanted half of whatever I had in my lunch box before lunch.. so I told him, he looks like Jimmy, my imaginary friend that I don’t see anymore. (honestly I used to think it was him..) he touched my hand … and just smiled holding it.. as he bit some of my peanut butter jelly sandwich.. his friends then came.. and teased him.. he then slapped me.. and pushed me.. and said that I was the ugliest thing he’s ever seen.. (the push hurt) he always found a way to hurt me after that moment..
other stories and indicidents came running back to me..
So I asked my nanny to throw away that box of painful past away..
Maybe I’ll forget it that way..
He disappears and then I’m better off without him..my heart doesn’t hurt, but then he appears suddenly without a warning, then he stays on my mind for days..
He keeps sending me songs that remind him of me. And it hurts, not because I really liked him, but because he’s the first guy in years I really let in. He’s hurt me twice in a row, and I forgave him.. He pushed me, and he’s trying to bring me back by my weakest point, his weapon; music. But no, I’m out of chances, and there won’t be a third chance, despite the fact that I really want him back, his talk and his laughter..
He was so understanding and funny, and he had the same taste in music, he was that type of guythat IS really hard to find. He always found a way to make smile after he’s scratched a wound on my heart..
I think it’s best if I move on..
aww i miss your pretty smile!
even though i didn’t see you much
it always used to brighten my day
that just made my entire week. 🙂